There's a persistent knock at my door. I would characterize it as more
of a pounding than a knock. It's 2:19 a.m. and I don't have to guess who
would be so rude, so impatient as to disrupt and disturb me at this hour.
I'm sure of the identity of the intruder and he must be off his meds. I open
the door without asking the person outside to identify himself.
"Oh good Bigotes you are awake. I hope I'm not interrupting
anything. Listen I need your help to get revenge on the Jamaicans
that ripped me off last month. I know where they are staying.
Can you come with me now?" Johnny Rico asks while pushing his
way into my apartment.
"Ya got any beer?" He says as he makes his way to the refrigerator.
"Are you for real fuckstick? It's almost 2:30 in the God Damn morning
and you want me to head out on some revengecapade to get back at
some Jamaicans for a couple hundred dollars? Are you fucking insane?
Of course you are, what a ludicrous question." I holler
"So what do you say Bigotes?" He inquirers.
"Hold on let me get some clothes on and do a bump!" I surrender.
I keep asking myself over and over what possesses me to become an active
participant in these deranged and demented acts of psychosis?
I've never been able to find an answer.
"Hey carnal grab your Glock. Just in case things get out of control.
Ya know, some insurance. " he asks.
"Hey JR I'm really starting not to love this scenario. Guns!
What are you planning to accomplish? And I want a rational answer.
No off the wall psychotic babble. " I say in a stern voice.
I can see in his eyes that he's riding The Bi-Polar Express.
"I just want those Caribbean Chulos to know who they're dealing
with. They can't come to Colombia, my country and disrespect me.
These Rastamen need to learn a lesson. " Johnny screams.
"So now you're a teacher giving lessons? In what, Johnny's brand of
street justice? Listen I will accompany you on this mission of restoring
your pride, but no killing anything twice. Do you understand? " I say
"I don't want it to come to that, but if it happens, I gotta do what I got do.
Remember those two fucking Dominicanos I took out for you? It's time
for you to pay me back. Now let's go ! They have a house in Barrio Los Lomas." He says.
I cautiously get in the Oso Rojo a monstrous automobile and am swallowed up by
the plush seat. Johnny bought this 1974 Buick LeSabre from some corrupt Federal
Police at an incredibly discounted price. It's blood red with a white convertible top.
You'd have a difficult time going unnoticed in this Oversized Pimpmobile. He had a
Dodge Duster prior to this impulsive purchase which wasn't as high profile and drew
very little attention. The Duster became a victim of one of Johnny's psychotic episodes
after a three day Cocaine binge. It was accompanied by a case of Scotch and a vast
array of prescription medications he pilfered from the last Psychiatric Hospital where
he resided for a week. They asked him to leave, they had had enough of "His Riconess."
He drove the Duster into a concrete retaining wall near the beach. Then in a bizarre
ritual to some ancient God, he set the car on fire.
The Duster was beyond restoration and never arose from the ashes.
There was no resurrecting the Duster. He left it right there in the middle of the highway
and never looked back.
"So carnal what's the plan? You have some idea of how you're going to
address this offensive don't you? " I ask.
"Not really . I thought I would leave it up to you. You are so good at
figuring how to attack a problem. " he says.
We arrive at the house where the suspects reside and surprisingly they're still awake.
We can see them partying inside through some large sliding glass doors . The music is
blaring and you can hear them laughing ,talking and see them dancing around.
"What the fuck is that music they are listening to? That's not ABBA is it? Is that
fucking ABBA? You said these were Rastamen. Big bad Rastamen set me up
and ripped me off Bigotes . That's what you told me." I say imitating a
whimpering child.
"That's how you described what had happened RICO! Where's their dreadlocks
and Bob Marley Reggae Music Mon? No self respecting Rastafarian would be
listening to ABBA! Ya know what I think Johnny Rico? I surmise you met these
Cabrons at that Gay Disco Club in downtown Cartagena and attempted to rip
them off. That's exactly what happened isn't it? They got the drop on you.”I tease
"Callate cabron! That's not what happened. Don't you accuse me of being gay.
I go to the club for the music.
It doesn't matter how it went down. Those Pinches stole my
money, my coca and my watch . You're making me angry Bigotes. You better
stop making fun of me. Thought you're my friend, my carnal?" He says.
He's irritated and truly upset. Johnny isn't one for practical jokes or being the subject of
ridicule.
"Well how are we going to lure them outside? It's not like they're going to offer us
an invitation to come inside for a cocktail." I say chuckling.
"Think it's still funny? I've got a way to get inside. Hold on Bigotes!" Johnny hollers.
Before I am able to get an answer as how we're going to enter the house. Johnny
backs up the Monstrous Red Road Schooner, revs the engine , slams the shifter into
drive and with tires squealing we head toward the arcadia glass doors at an
accelerated velocity.
"Johnny you motherfucking psychopath! You're going to kill both of us!" I yelp in a high pitched scream
"Invitation, we don't need no stinking invitation carnal!" He yells.
Within seconds the Red Road Schooner like a Transformer morphs into an armored
tank and makes impact with the door and section of the block wall. I watch the
Jamaicans scurry out of the way into safety. The sound of glass shattering and
furniture being demolished echoes loudly and takes me to a fever pitch . Johnny slams
on the brakes and the Oso Rojo stops short of the wall on the other side of the room.
"Come on Bigotes!" Johnny yells.
He pulls out his antique 38 police special revolver and starts firing off rounds
toward the room where the Jamaicans have taken refuge. In all the years I've known
my lunatic sidekick I've never seen him shoot that pistol.
"Bigotes cover me" He commands
"Mamma mia here I go again. My my how can I resist you. Mamma mia"
The bizarre soundtrack accompanies us still playing on the stereo adding to the
already surreal atmosphere. My gun has found my hand and I squeeze off a few rounds.
I take aim at the stereo and kill the fucker. The music was agitating the hell out of me.
"I hate that fucking song!" I scream.
Johnny is yelling insults in Spanish demanding the Jamaicans show themselves.
They begin throwing out money along with a couple of watches. I shoot at a large
mirror that almost covers the entire wall. Pieces come crashing down on top of Johnny
where he's crawling crablike on the floor picking up the cash and watches.
"Cabron que haces pendejo?"
He grabs a brass lamp and returns to the car. We jump inside the enormous
automobile covered with glass and drywall debris. I fire off a couple of more rounds at
a picture of tropical women carrying baskets of fruit on their heads.
"Let's get the fuck outta here Rico" I demand
"Wait I want something."
"Johnny what'cha doing come on venga." I plead
He exits Oso Rojo and runs to a picture hanging on the far wall. It's one of those
grotesque velvet paintings of Marilyn Monroe or possibly Madonna. He shoves the
ugly painting in the back seat breaking the wooden frame.
The car has been idling the entire time and the room is filled with exhaust making it
difficult to breathe.
"Johnny Rico has left the building " He screams.
He grinds the shifter into reverse and the mighty big car pulls out crushing whatever
rubble we created during our entrance. I notice Johnny's face and arms are bleeding
caused by pieces of the mirror I destroyed that had landed on top of him. He stops the
Red Bear on the street and we get out to clean the remains of wreckage laying on the
hood and roof. I observe neighbors on their porches and also watching out their
windows. I smile and wave at the spectators.
"Those are very bad people. They molested my cousin and she's only ten
years old." I tell the crowd.
Some folks start applauding our dirty deed. An old man yells out
"We didn't see or hear anything. God bless you."
We jump back in the Red Beast and head back toward my apartment.
"Hey Rico. What'cha say we put the top down , grab some beers park
down at the beach and watch the sunrise. Sound like a plan?" I suggest.
"What did I say earlier? You always know how to make a situation
better. Always suggesting the perfect solution. Ya carnal let's do that."
He agrees.
We reach the beach and sit in the Red Whale not saying a word.
Johnny passes me a joint and I take a giant hit for mankind.
"I love you carnal. You are more than family." Johnny declares.
"Ya I know man . I know."
"I haven't counted the plata." Johnny whispers.
He plunges his hand into his pocket and produces a wod of bills and
throws it on the console between the seats. He puts his hand in the
other front pocket and again a fistful of bills appears.
"Hijo de puta! Look Bigotes we got a lot back." he says giggling like a child.
He finishes counting the booty and lets out a yell that I'm sure could
be heard in Bogota.
"There's over $1,700." he declares
"That's in Colombian money JR. It converts into what, about $23.68 in
Gringo plata?" I comment sarcastically.
"No carnal that is in American money after doing the change." he says
"Here hermano take some. You helped me in one of my crazy schemes
again. You are always there for me when I need a friend. Here tome I want
you to have this!" he insists
I accept his generous offering and later discover he gave me over $750.
"Thanks carnal I appreciate your generosity. A toast to a friendship
made to last long after forever." I proclaim.
Our beer cans clank to the declaration of friendship toast.
"Hey Bigotes take the lamp too. It would look good in your home. I think
maybe in your bedroom to replace that ugly lamp with all the flowers. And a
watch for you and a watch for me. A reminder of our adventure in the Big Red
Bear." Johnny says proudly.
"Thanks carnal ,I'm just relieved we made it out alive, ya lunatic Son of a
Bitch."
Son of a Bitch? Yes I never known my mother. My abuela said she was a
bitch. So I guess you are right.” He confesses
“Johnny I’ve met your Mother several times and she's a very pleasant woman that loves you despite your insanity. Stop with your compulsive lieing.
This is me. Remember? “ I lecture
I look closely at the watch and notice it's a Louis Moinet an incredibly expensive time
piece. I strap it on my wrist and stare at the second hand ticking my life away.
And there we stayed until the Sun had bled every bit of crimson colored light into the
morning. Two displaced souls searching for directions to a destination that neither
was sure existed.
"Little darling it's been a long cold lonely winter.
Little darling it seems like years since its been here.
Sun, sun, sun here it comes"
In case you were wondering, the grotesque velvet painting... Madonna!
Judge Santiago Burdon
COPYRIGHT@ 2013
2016 WORD COUNT.
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